Hello again

If you are a new reader to this blog may I suggest you read this and maybe one or two of the earlier ones to get a rough idea of how this all started.

Who Cares?

Following much family deliberation we have decided to take on full time carers for mum. Many factors have played a part in this decision, but principally Mums needs are becoming more and more demanding and I am finding it harder and harder to cope with the levels of care needed.

After several years where the main focus of a huge amount of my time, feelings and emotions has been focused on the well being of another, I finally realised that I have neglected caring for myself.

At first, when discussing care, the only thoughts going through my head were things like

"I've failed my Mum"

"No one will care for Mum like I can"

I now realise how wrong these two statements are. I haven't failed at all, I did a bloody good job for a long time, but now I need to let someone else take over, someone emotionally unattached, someone who can focus on care.

I also realise that I need to let go. I am all cared out. This doesn't mean I don't "care" what happens to Mum, just that I can no longer "care" for her as well as I would like, or provide the level of "care" that she needs. 

So it is with great trepidation that we allow carers amongst us. Will Mum like them? Will they like Mum? Will they like me and Sarah? Will we like them? Will they keep my spices in alphabetical order? 

The answers to these and many other questions will be answered over the next few weeks.

Gis a Job.

So...It is with great trepidation I re-enter the jobs market.

I havent had a real full time job for several years. At the same time I am very excited and also terrified at the prospect of rejoining the 9-5. Countless people tell me that I have been doing an amazingly worthwhile and rewarding job for so many years but I doubt many prospective employers will see it this way. 

So....If you know anyone looking for a caring hippy who loves some or all of the following please let me know.

• Driving
• Putting things in alphabetical order and straight lines
• Talking to people
• Listening to people
• Umm...some other stuff.

The important stuff.

There are two other things I need to share with you. 

But...

You will have to wait for the next blog for them.

Its well worth waiting though, damn exciting.

Poo

Wow.

Many many months since my last post. I seemed to hit a wall, a wall that told me to stop writing all this shit for strangers and try to do something in the real world. More of that later.

I think I have realised most of this wasn't written for strangers at all, it was written for me. It  is a very useful release for what I may be feeling at the time. I am not a great one for  talking about problems to real people so typing about it and publishing it here does actually help.
I think it may be time to try again

New reader? Here's a very quick outline.

I am a very nearly 50 year old failed hippy. I care for my mum who has vascular dementia. We used to have a dog on wheels and a strange assortment of vehicles. There is a lovely old Gentleman, more of him later. I met the incredibly understanding and patient Sarah on the internet and I`m not letting her escape now.

If you have a few minutes to spare please have a read of some of the older posts.

First things first then. Where are we up to?

Mum is still gradually sliding away from reality
We have a new dog, Tess, who is mental.
Sarah is still lovely, as is the Lovely Gentleman
I am hugely overweight and have sprouted some interesting facial hair.
I am in the process of trying to engineer myself some kind of "online presence" (More of that later)

Here we go.

Last week I was visited by the rather nasty "norovirus" Three or four days of ingesting liquids just to have them exit superheated and slightly discoloured. With Sarahs help we got through the week, and even managed to sneak a night out on Saturday whilst the Lovely Gentleman Mummysat.

Unfortunately said virus is hugely contagious.
Both Sarah and Mum have been struck down.

Spent the night in the spare room to give Sarah "a little space" as her virus developed. Woke up to a very very distressed Mum, and something I have been preparing myself for but never really expected to happen.

Mum has the norovirus.

Pyjamas full of excrement.

There is nothing on earth that can prepare you for the first time you have to strip your mother and shower her. Neither of you want it to happen but both understand it is necessary.

Anyway, managed to get us both cleaned up and Mum back in to bed, which is where the word barrier comes into play once again. Mum trying to ask questions about why she feels like this and me trying to explain. Not easy.

Why should she drink fluids? surely they will make her worse?

This seems to be the general feeling at the moment.

Managed  to get her to take some Coconut Water, as suggested by @novembervivi over on the twitter so hopefully things will be a little better tomorrow.


Thats enough for one night. If you are new to this welcome to my world.

Our Hols, Part two.

Hello Again.

Following on from yesterdays blog, as the week progressed mum was very up and down. Out and about in the day was generally better than the evenings. She is seeming to need distractions of some kind all the time, whether it be a walk in the woods, food, music or TV. Becoming more and more like what I would imagine its like to have a small child. 

Sarahs Mum and her Partner and her 99 year old Nan visited for the day midweek. Great meal in Holt which mum really enjoyed. Nan can't half put some food away too! Back to the caravan and again the disorientation and confusion..

The low spot of the whole week was when I came to dismantle the awning. Mum was in tears, almost a full on tantrum, crying and shouting unintelligibly. Just couldn't get to the bottom of it. Sarah had to sit in the caravan and try to calm her while I managed to pack it away. Seriously considered travelling home a day early but I really don't think I was fit to drive. Eventually managed to get mum off to sleep so we could both calm ourselves down too.

Need to seriously think about the holiday situation. Whether the stressed out times are outweighing the benefits of the break for mum. Fabia is taking mum for a weekend in the peaks in December, staying in a Hotel so it will be interesting to see the difference that makes. 

Thats pretty much up to date with the holiday, so more tomorrow about rooms and words. Till then here's Mum talking to her new friend Billy.

Remember Me?

Hello.

Its been a while. 

I am afraid to report  have become exceedingly lazy on the blog front, also on the development of dementiacarer.com. I seem to have lost myself in a world of really bad puns, quizzes and swear words on twitter for a month or two. Time to make a concerted effort I feel to get back into the swing of things.

Lets bring you all up to date with this post, and go into a little more detail tomorrow.

If you are a regular reader you may remember we intended to take Mum and old hoppalong to the south of France in the caravan. As it panned out the dog had to be put to sleep and the more we thought about it, it became apparent that Mum would not manage a two week multi location holiday so we had to unfortunately cancel the journey to visit my Godfather Lloyd and Kay and have a rethink.

We decided to take the caravan across to Norfolk to Kelling Heath caravan park for just a week. The park is lovely, situated in a beautiful forest, nice walks and views etc and has a pool to fuel mums rediscovered passion for swimming.

We arrived on Monday after a three hour drive in torrential rain to find the sun was starting to break through, lovely. After a few negotiations to find a pitch that wasn't actually under 3ft of water we settled on one near the showers and club etc. Levelled the caravan up and settled in for tea. 

First night great. Mum absolutely knackered after the journey and a few little walks, slept right through.

Next day I decided to set up the awning to give us a some storage space. Mum stood in the door watching.."Stupid" "Whats that for" and other similar but unintelligible sayings. After an hour or so, all pegged out and looking good we decided to pop out to Holt. A lovely little town. Nice shops and excellent cake.

Return to the site, pull up alongside the awning and mum is clapping her hands, "lovely" "ohh thats so good" etc. Apparently she loves the awning now. 

Second night not so plain sailing. Mum up and down a lot of times through the night, very unsettled, not distressed just a little confused as to where she was.

Won't go into too much detail about the rest of the week yet, suffice to say it was very up and down..probably on reflection more down than up this year. i think this may be our last caravan holiday. A pity when I think back to all the holidays mum spent touring Europe, even as far as Hungary with the caravan and now she really struggles with one night.

Anyway. Enough for one night. I am back into it now so more tomorrow. Till then, here's a lovely picture of mum enjoying a ride on a train.

Farewell my friend.

I cant believe that its been two months since I last wrote anything here. I seem to have hurled myself into a world of quizzes and chatting about rubbish on twitter, and temporarily lost touch with the real world. 

If you are a first time visitor please have a quick look here for a brief outline. I will write more about Mum later in the week, this is about my best friend Snapper. If you havent met my dog before I wrote a bit about her here  and here. They are only short blogs and they give you a bit of an outline. 

Doing her favourite thing-lying down.

Shortly after all that happened she developed a tumor on her right front leg, which rapidly grew then burst open. We couldn`t chance an operation as her back legs were far from perfect and the loss of a front would finish her. So with advice from the vet it was left. It didn't look very pretty but it didnt give her any discomfort. Now, 12 months down the line it has started to grow at a rather alarming rate and the vet informs us it is spreading under the skin also.

So this week we have taken the heart breaking decision to have her put to sleep. We agreed that while she had a decent quality of life we would do anything in our power to keep her happy and comfortable. Since the tumor has started to spread again she has lost her spark. This may sound silly to a non doggy person but I know she has had enough. In thirteen years we have haven't been apart for more than a week, and that has only happened once so I am pretty sure I know, but that doesnt make it any easier.

I had Snapper from 8 weeks. She helped me through a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, she kept me sane living on my own in a caravan for a while, and kept me warm when there was ice on the inside of the walls at night. She helped me when I moved down to investigate mums problems and through the diagnosis of her dementia. She was my confidant as I started to think about dating and listened to me reading countless emails from online dating sites, and eventually welcomed the wonderful Sarah with open paws. 

So please spare a thought or two for my best friend this week. I wont mention when it happens, I may just tell a tale or two from our years for old times sake.

This is my favourite picture of her in her favourite place.
The beach near our caravan at Meols on the wirral

Beans.

Today we have a guest blogger, my sister Fabia

Fabia whisked mum and the dog away for the weekend so Sarah and I could enjoy a birthday surprise from her Mum; a weekend at the spectacular Thoresby Hall. 

I've just had a good weekend with mum, and managed to do most things about right so I've been inspired to make an appearance on Jon's blog.

Its always a worry when to let mum know what the plans are. Not too early so she worries about where she's going to sleep and so can't sleep, but not too late so that she feels she's never told what's going on. Some time in the middle seems to work so that even if she forgets where she's going, mum still has 23 pairs of socks and a sun hat packed and ready to go.

We'd had a chat about mum coming over to help in the garden and she was looking forward to it. I arrived on Friday and we did our usual weekday things: swimming; gardening; watching a film. Then I stayed the night as usual and in the morning suggested we go over to my house. The swimming the day before worked its magic and mum slept most of the car journey so we didn’t have the customary discussion around 'where are we going?' and 'I don’t know this place'.

Its was lovely for mum to wake up as we arrived and say 'Here we are' 'I know where I am'. She was straight into the garden and as there was lots of weeding my fruit trees and bushes escaped mum's extreme pruning skills. Although my unruly raspberry canes were inspected many times. Mum likes things to be in order so we worked solidly, weeding, cutting the grass, raking and tidying. I must say, after a nice Sunday dinner at the pub on the second day we could relax in garden chairs and really enjoy the fruits of our labours in a spot of unexpected summer sunshine.

As we relaxed and chatted in our normal wandery way,  I explained that Jon and Sarah would pop over to bring mum back a bit later, and then we chatted about what we might do on my next weekly visit. Mum said we needed to do the round things that we did last time.  I wondered if mum meant she needed to take her tablets but no that wasn’t it. She made the shape of little round things with her fingers. 'The round things, we did lots of them' She mimed walking and moving her hands in small shapes. I wondered if it was the broad beans which we had sat and shelled on Friday but no 'Not broad beans, they are green, yes beans'.

I guessed at the green beans she had enjoyed with her Sunday lunch 'Oh they were lovely, but not those beans'
We continued like this for some time with me guessing at every round green bean thing that I could and trying to imagine what we might have to do with them. I offered to plant some beans in the vegetable patch in her garden and then as I thought of jobs which needed doing it struck me……. Gooseberries!

'Yes Gooseberries! We have to pick the gooseberries' We were both so pleased that we'd got to the bottom of those bean things. Last year we had sat for hours topping and tailing the pounds of gooseberries from the two bushes in mums garden. We'd both enjoyed the simple task that we could happily do together. The mime was mum walking to the bushes and picking the fruit. I suppose with dementia the trick is not to assume that beans will be beans.

Mum and Snapper after a hard day gardening.

Pointing,beer and socks

Pointing

Had a bad week with mum last week. Took a long time for her to readjust after our weekend at santapod. She is finding it harder and harder to cope with any change from a weekly routine. Every morning I would be summoned to her room for her to try to explain a problem. Every day the same pointing and broken sentences. Pointing at the bed and the corner of the room. Tried everything I could think to no avail. Midweek Mum walked into the kitchen carrying her quilt and pillow covers. "I hate these" Hoping that could be the root of the problem I changed the bed to covers she chose and everything seemed ok...for an hour or two.


Back to the drawing board. Same summoning into the room for pointing and words. Sometimes she would get quite angry, the frustration of not having the words to explain the problem, if indeed she really knows what the problem is. One day Sarah was summoned and managed to quieten things down by removing one pillow and straightening the quilt. 


Anyway, "normal" service was resumed towards the end of the week, helped by a few visits from the lovely gentleman and a trip to Leicester to do some shopping accompanied by a nice dinner somewhere.




Saturday, thanks to Sarah insisting I go out for the day,saw my first visit to The Welland Valley Beer Festival. This must be one of the best ideas for a beer festival in the country. A load of local pubs take part, with a huge selections of real ales and ciders, food and entertainment. To make it unique the pubs are served by a selection of vintage buses operating a free timetabled service round the pubs. Great to hear the sound of 50 grown men going woooooooooooooaaaaahhhhh as the buses approach the tops of the steepest hills. One of the buses had to stop on a hill on the way to Uppingham and all the passengers had to walk to the top. A great day for all. In one pub we were greeted by "Prost8" quite possibly the oldest (just)living jazz band in the world. Highly recommended.


This week in general has been much much better. The lovely gentleman called round several times to show off his new car and took Mum out for a spin or two, which always helps. We seem to be losing cutlery at an alarming rate, I think it may be going into mums Apocalypse stockpile. Once we run too low will have to investigate.




This weekend Sarah and I have been treated to a weekend At Thoresby Hall hotel and spa by her Mum and Partner. It was a birthday present for Sarah so I get to go along too. Cool. This seems to have kicked off a little confusion again. We will just have to see if this restarts the bedroom problems. Maybe a break in the routine takes a lot of adjustment and its proving too much? Could it really be that simple?

In other news...

I went to buy some socks on Tuesday. Turned into a bit of an expensive trip. As I was in Corby and the fuel is cheaper there I decided to top the car up, you know, save a couple of bob. On the way home the car seemed to be running a little hot and also seemed to be a little "knocky" under load. As I pulled in the drive it cut out...that was when I realised I had put petrol in my diesel car. Call out. Drain the tank, flush the fuel lines and a new fuel filter. 10 gallons and the call out fee down the drain. Luckily, as it wasn't too much petrol I have escaped any damage to the car. Then to cap it all I had picked up the wrong size socks. Bad day.